Cool peeps

I opened the refrigerator today only to find a package of Peeps left over from what I assume is last Easter. That my wife and I have six-month-old leftover chilled holiday candy is surprising enough. What really threw me off guard though is that I must see them countless times when going to get a coke and yet I only now realized they're in there. That means I usually don't look at them with anymore skepticism than I would the ketchup, the olives or the crisper drawer. Worse yet, I now wonder if they date back to an even earlier Easter. After all, Peeps probably have a shelf life of a gazillion years. I would throw away the little blighters, but I think they might work like baking soda and absorb odors.

I can't say I don't like Peeps because I don't recall ever having eaten one. For me they fall into that category of seasonal candy you grew up with but never cared for. I feel the same way about those hard candy-coated marshmallow Easter eggs. Ditto for candy corn and those chewy sugary waxy pumpkins that come out around Halloween. Yuck. That stuff just looks like a root canal waiting to happen.

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Green card not required

This past Labor Day weekend I added another country to the list of places I've been. Nogales is a Mexican border town just south of Arizona. Catering to U.S. tourists, merchants are hawking everything from locally crafted trinkets to non-prescription (at least in Mexico) pharmaceuticals. Suburban Sally can buy margarita glasses at one store and Oxycontin just next door. Prices are always negotiated and the U.S. greenback is the currency of choice.

Sightseeing in this place is amazing. In just the few hours I was there I saw a guy chasing a chicken, two six-year-olds peddling bracelets, a live donkey painted to look like a zebra and a sign that read "REAL CUBAN CIGARS -- NO BULLSHIT." I passed on the bracelets, the cigars and the donkey. To the guy chasing the chicken I got close enough to snap a picture, but I sure wasn't going to lend a hand. Tourists don't participate; they spectate. The average tourist here is fat, forty and flippant. I was an exception. I'm only 33.

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Gas hysteria

Human corpses are floating through the streets of New Orleans and Atlantans are concerned there will be no gasoline. I feel like I am in one of those picture puzzles from Highlights magazine -- the kind where you had to find what was missing from the picture. Only now what's missing isn't a rear wheel on a bicycle or a scoop of ice cream from a cone. It's compassion and sense. Does our burning desire to fill our tanks really override the concern for our neighbors three states over? Have we forgotten how stupid the apocalyptic people looked on January 1, 2000 when they all had to report back to work on Y2K+1? Is our memory span really this short? Sheesh!

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Testing testing 1...2...P

A French lab claims a urine specimen Lance Armstrong provided in 1999 has tested positive for steroids. Results of this test aside, does anyone else find it gross that the French leave old frozen urine samples lying around? I can see freezing sperm, embryos or even your body if you're into cryogenics, but what good is frozen urine? Come to think of it, the Metro stations around the seedy Pigalle district in Paris smelled pretty pungent when I was there, but I always thought the assailants were local. Has anyone tested to see what those yellow cancer bracelets are made of? I suppose nothing says refreshment like an ice-cold pee-cicle on a hot summer's day.

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Large Ladies

Apparently there are two women's bathrooms where I work and one is bigger than the other. Recently on the communal printer I found a memo that read "BLUE EARRING FOUND IN LARGE LADIES RESTROOM." I paraded the memo around and asked people why plus-sized women got their own bathroom. Few found this as amusing as I did.

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Don't drink the Kool-Aid

Some people market products. Others market skills. The people who most amaze me though are those who make a living marketing themselves. The motivational speaker is the first guy that comes to mind, but really several types fall into this category: politicians, religious leaders, philosophers, etc. Instead of producing a tangible good or provide a service people would rather pay for than do themselves, these people do little more than employ the gift of gab. Those who can't rely solely on their personality offer us a carrot. They may have a small line of products available for purchase, or they may offer the secrets to getting rich. Some have both, but they usually pester you to buy something from their catalog.

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Monolingualism can be cured

Today I ran into an old college classmate from a French course I took fifteen years ago. Oddly enough, I was conducting a children's program in French when she spotted me. We tried to think of people we knew in common. The only people we could come up with was a French family we each had lived with as exchange students. It got me to thinking of what opportunities I have been afforded simply by knowing another language. Not only have I had the opportunity to live in another country, but I've also taught the language. The impact I may have had on those children's lives pales in comparison to what they gave me. I befriended a Cameroonian refugee a few years back who spoke no English. French was our common language. He's since gone on to immigrate and owns a moving business. French has also served as a common thread in some cases. I hired a contractor who spoke French with a heavy Brooklyn accent -- his mother was from Bordeaux, and a Chinese guy who replaced our windows had worked as a waiter for a couple years in Luxemburg. Imaginez!

Languages are all around us and yet the dominant monolingual culture remains steadfastly just that: monolingual. Our newly ranked largest ethnic minority hails from Spanish-speaking descent, yet most Americans insist on pledging allegiance to the language, indivisible with liberty and English for all. A French proverb says that a man who knows two languages is worth two men. If that's true, I wonder what will happen to the now-dominant English-only speakers who are quickly being encroached upon by bilinguals. Something tells me those who choose to succeed will learn a second language. Those who don't will continue to argue over something so trite as [ask] versus [ax].

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