Get out of my way

You know what really chaps my ass? Being accosted by people asking me for something before I walk into a store. As I have outlined before, I already have enough issues going to the grocery store without someone's attempts at guilting me into donating to their cause or buying their product. Shopping for the most part is not something I find pleasurable, so when the time comes I want to get in there, get what I need, and get out. And I'd really prefer to do it without having to politely smile and decline some fireman with a boot or little snot-nosed cherubin selling cookies. Is that so wrong?

Today it was the fire department. A bunch of guys in front of Kroger holding out their nasty rubber footwear for me to throw money into it. I am not anti-fire protection. Nobody likes fire. It hurts to be burned. But Mr. Fireman, I subsidize your service to me through tax contributions. If my elected officials don't think you need any more money, why should I? Yes, I understand you're using the monies to "give burns the boot" through education and awareness programs. You fund a camp for young burn victims and that's nice and all, but I'd just like to get my eggs and maple syrup without any further meddling from you, ok? Besides, turning off the ignition to your behemoth fire engine while you ask for charity just might save you a couple hundred dollars that you can then throw in whoever's shoe you want.

This may not be a popular sentiment, but I'm just going to come out and say it. Girl Scouts, why would I spend just under four dollars on your box of cookies (whose quantity is skimpy at best) when I can step around you and go buy a bigger box of better tasting cookies inside the store for less money? Your marketing department has done well promoting your product with missionary-like zeal and creating a consumer buzz that for whatever reason continues year after year. I grant you that. But Samoas aren't so good that I'm going to forego buying more of a yummier cookie just so you can earn your pyramid scam badge. And just for your information, those little Keebler elves also keep kosher. Oh, and troop moms, asking the girl who can barely squeeze into her uniform anymore to hawk the cookies isn't going to increase sales.

Speaking of which, I realize this is a bit off the topic, but if your rec league, civic organization, or cult is going to raise money by hosting a car wash, don't let the fat dumpy kids hold the signs.

My father was one of those who touted that he wasn't going to shop at Target last Christmas because they stopped letting the Salvation Army bell ringers solicit donations outside their stores. Whatever. To me this is like boycotting a gas station because they took out their payphone. Target asking the bell ringers to take it elsewhere in no way affects those who want to donate to the Salvation Army. If you're so gung ho about donating your sheckels, I'm sure the good people at Salvation Army would be happy to accept your check in the mail. You can probably even donate online. In fact, here's a link. As for those of us who don't wish to put up with the moaning and the groaning of the loud alarum bells, we now have a more pleasant shopping experience.

Softball kids, now I generally let you slide when you're selling those hotdogs outside my Kroger, mainly because your grill is not directly in my way when I'm running in to pick up diapers again. I can easily smell your hot dogs and they smell good. Furthermore you often offer complimentary condiments and various relishes to accompany the hotdog and that's a good thing. But listen, I do not need you to corner me in the vestibule and ask if I want to buy a hotdog. If I did, I would have walked up to someone in uniform and asked. Do you really think I got out of my car, smelled your dogs and thought Gee, too bad those yummy smelling hotdogs are only for those kids in baseball caps. No, I assume you're selling them. If I want one I'll approach you. But if you step in front of me while I'm trying to secure the last of the few carts with four operable wheels, you might find yourself having to "take one for the team." Capiche?

You people who give away puppies and kittens to good homes in front of the store, it's time we parted ways. I used to love going up to your little furballs and would even pick them up and pet them, but that's because I had the willpower to then put them back in their box and go on my merry way. Before long I'm going to be wielding a toddler on my grocery visits and I don't want to have to drag her away kicking and screaming because Daddy wouldn't get her a new kitty. Like I said, it's been real, but I hope you can understand where I'm coming from.

People, grocery stores are for grocery shopping, not guilt riding. Should a fireman accost you outside the supermarket for money, fight fire with fire. Invite him to accompany you to the register where he can empty his boot and pay for your groceries. If we all work together, we can help give bums the boot.