Shattastic television

After only five minutes of over-the-shoulder television viewing this evening, I decided that any further time spent in front of the boob tube would be a total waste of my eyesight. Before I go any further, let me fill you, the beloved reader, in on some antiquated and useless backstory regarding my TV viewing habits as a youngster.

Enter Captain Exposition.

Until I was in my early twenties, I spent the largest portion of my day in front of the television. Indeed when I was a teenager during the summers, if I was awake at any time during a 24-hour day, I knew of a program that I could watch. To compensate for this sloth, I could exercise with Joanie Greggains back when she hosted Morning Stretch which came on at like 5:15 in the morning. Normally though I just sat on the couch and watched her do her squats while I inhaled a box of Smurfberry Crunch and a couple of Cokes.

After that I'd watch the morning news programs, then morning talk shows. This was back during the time when a person could get all the Hollywood gossip and self-help they needed within a few hours by watching Hour Magazine, Phil Donahue, and The Oprah Winfrey Show. That was when Oprah was fat and Phil had a career. Game shows came on after that, and let me tell you there were a couple of times where I could have easily won both showcases on The Price is Right. I watched soap operas, afternoon talk shows, evening news, primetime sitcoms, late-night talk shows, the USA up-all-night movie, Burns and Allen and The Jack Benny Show on CBN, and I would even watch Ron Popeil paint his bald spot with spray-on hair. Those were the days, my friend.

Tonight however when my wife was waiting for the last episode of Lost to come on, I was treated to the final few minutes of Dance With the Stars.

Dance with the stars?

Could there possibly be a stupider idea for a show than this? If you haven't seen this drivel, first of all count yourself among the lucky. Secondly, these people aren't really stars. Joey from Gimme a Break's post-shark-jumping years and Slater from Saved by the Bell used to be stars. Now they are has-beens This is like when back in the mid-80s Family Feud had "celebrities" on the show from Dukes of Hazzard, and the only characters to show up were Bo and Luke's stand-in cousins Coy and Vance, Boss Hog's wife and a couple of other tertiary peeps I can't recall off hand. Or remember Circus of the Stars? Those stoops were usually out-of-work actors hard up for a paying gig too.

I would love to have seen The Facts of Life's Jeri Jewell juggling plates though.

Remember Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch? What's with all these cousins on TV shows anyway?

But back to Dance with the Stars . . . I really got sick of hearing Joey Lawrence say over and over about his dance partner "she's a blessing." The show is cheezoid. Don't watch.

During commercial breaks they played some promo for a show William Shatner's going to be on soon. They claim the show is "SHAT-TASTIC" (capitalization theirs; not mine). Excuse me? Shat-tastic? Has no one told these producers what shat means? Even UrbanDictionary.com defines shattastic as "something incredibly shitty." I'm not saying the program's not going to be shitty, but shouldn't there at least be some pretense of quality about the show? To me this is like saying This stuff is nasty. Here, taste it.

No, thank you. In my day-to-day life, I try and avoid crap. I don't wish to invite more into my home via the television. If I wanted to watch something shattastic, I'd turn on CSI- Sandusky or whatever city they're up to these days.

If television caters to the average American, that really doesn't say much for our country or culture. Maybe now that Democrats have taken control of the House and Senate, there can be some new programming in the upcoming Spring line-up.

Don't miss it. It's sure to be Bush-tastic.