Blender magazine lines my cat's litterbox

Just when I thought nothing would bring me out of my blogging hiatus, something arrived for me in the mail today that deserves cyber-commentary. Negative cyber commentary. It's my latest copy of Blender magazine. This is also my first copy of Blender magazine for that matter and I should hope it's my last.

Where did this come from?

I didn't sign up to receive it, and I can't imagine why anyone would freely send me this craprag. So that you can appreciate it's suckitude, let me share with you what's to be found on the first few pages. When you hear this sound . . . brrrinnnnggggg . . . turn the page.

First of all the cover depicts Anthony Kiedis (who thanks to wikipedia.com I now know is a member of The Red Hot Chili Peppers) in, what can only be described as a poor rendition of a Catholic schoolgirl's outfit, complete with plaid skirt, white buttonup and necktie. This guy is butt ugly. The feature article about him is entitled "Sex, Drugs and Man-skirts." Other articles mentioned on the cover are an exclusive interview with Kid Rock about his Ex-mas in Baghdad. Page 153 features "The Horniest Band in America! " (exclamation theirs; not mine). As I study the cover I'd have to say the only thing on it that possibly makes me interested in opening up the magazine is an article called "Indie-Rock Dorktacular," not that I give a shit about anything to do with indie rock but there's something about the word dorktacular that I find intriguing.

Brrrinnnnggggg.

Like any magazine the first few pages are nothing but ads for things like The Gap, Nissan and K-Swiss. The Nissan ad has snowboarders in it. Why they are supposed to make me want to buy a Nissan I have no idea. Are guys who like snowboarding even old enough to drive? I live in a fairly temperate climate so I don't know these things.

The next few pages are also ads only they're for Guess jeans, some hair care product called Bed Head and finally Corona beers. I think the advertisers' idea is that looking at the guys in these ads is supposed to make me think I can someday look like them if I purchase these products. Fat chance. My hope for that ended about ten years and five pant sizes ago. Oh well. No hoyay here. Just bitterness.

An ad for Levis shows a picture of a barefoot guy in a wifebeater and bluejeans. The caption reads Chawson Ko wears Levi's Skinny 511 Jeans. Whatever. Interestingly enough, Chawson Ko looks a little like my daughter's pediatrician only with less medical training and a possible future in the Gaysian porn industry.

About the only thing I found of interest in this magazine was a brief write-up on Joan Jett that describes her as "a scrawny tough who mastered two topics: rock and roll." Who comes up with these headlines? The author also applies some craptacular rating system to three of her past songs.

In case you're interested, Bad Reputation gets four stars, while I Love Rock n' Roll and Fit to be Tied each get a mere three and a half stars. Why do I feel like I'm channeling Ed McMahon all of a sudden?

I've heard periodical companies like to arbitrarily send out magazines for periods at a time and then send a bill with the hopes that some poor mindless schmuck will just go ahead and pay up for a subscription he didn't ask for. That's not going to happen here.

If you're reading this and would like to treat me to a free magazine subscription, please make sure said subscription has some degree of female nudity outside of the occasional perfume ad. Maxim and Stuff though also riddled with high school quality writing and teen boy rocker fantasies are far better fillers for the bathroom magazine rack than this garbage.

Even mullet is too good for this shizzle.