Hints and tips for naming a baby

Somewhere in the midst of crib buying, nursery painting and gimmie-gimmie gift registering a more pertinent decision has to be made when expecting a baby, namely what to call the kid. My wife, Elaine, and I know from vicarious experience that this name game can be the source of indecision, frustration and sometimes even chastisement from well-meaning friends and family. A name follows a person through life. Pick the wrong name and you subject your kid to a childhood of finger pointing and playground ridicule. A good choice in names paves the way for memorable introductions and positive first impressions. This being our first, naming a kid is new territory for us. Nevertheless, there are some things we've learned in the process.

People are finicky about names for newborns. I'm no exception. Most know from having been an elementary schooler that a kid with an overly common name will have to go by his first name and last initial in school. I know from having taught elementary schoolers that while the teachers may say to the class "Johnny A" and "Johnny S", what they say to other teachers is "Johnny with the constant cold" and "Johnny with the crazy mom." Johnny's designated identifiers are seldom positive, so unless he's the only Johnny in the class, his commonly sweet name gets amended with a not so sweet characteristic. My rule of thumb is that if the name appears on the Top Ten Baby Names list, it’s out. Regardless of how nice a name Aidan and Dylon might be, I don’t want my child to be one of three Aidans or Dylons in class. We’re also expecting a daughter, so that makes Aidan or Dylon even less likely, but you get the point.

Naming a girl Dylon illustrates another point however. While we laugh at the lyrics to Johnny Cash’s “Boy Named Sue”, sadly there are people who in fact do such cruel things to their children. Let’s face it: when a girl is named Lynn, Leslie, Ariel, Dominique or Madison, she has a name that at worst might be looked at as androgynously trendy. When a boy has one of these names, he has a girl’s name. Remember the playground ridiculers mentioned earlier? He’s their first mark. Worse yet, classmates might rename the game Smear the Queer to Smear Leslie. Girls are generally not bound by the same restrictions, but many sources suggest giving Madison and Dakota girlish middle names just to clarify gender, if in fact they’re girls. If they’re not, well . . .they’re boys who have girls names. See above.

As a language geek, somebody who thinks in fricatives and plosives, I have other qualifications in a name. My last name begins with a B for instance, so I won’t want my daughter’s first name to end with a B. Granted, there aren’t many girls’ names that end in B (Deb is the only one that comes to mind), but Deb Black poses pronunciation problems. Will people hear Deb Black? Or Dehh Black or will they hear Deb Lack?

I also check for anagrams of new babies' names. An anagram is what you get when you rearrange the letters of a word or words. LATES is an anagram of STEAL for instance. My sister- and brother-in-law were at one time considering naming their baby an anagram of FETAL GREMLINS. They opted instead for an anagram of MELTING AFRICAN. My wife and I are considering one of THEREZ BILLY CLAMBAKE. Were we to have been expecting a boy, his anagram would have been BROADMINDED CLAW KICK. I'm not gifted enough to come up with these on my own. Instead I rely on wordsmith.org's anagram server. Even still, this is probably one of my eccentricities better characterized as a disorder.

Regarding the internet, there are several sources for baby names online that parents of yesteryear didn' have access to. It's easy to pull up the popular names, ethnic names, historical names and trendy names. The net is chocked full of people who enjoy nothing more than sharing their choices of names and asking for others' input on names. Often they come up with such jewels as Brayden, Makynzi, Karsyn, Kamaria and Jayln. Half the names these people throw out sound like characters in a J.R.R. Tolkien novel. It's enough to make you puke!

Worth checking out though is the baby namer on oxygen.com. Not only will it tell you how high a name ranks in popularity, but it will also give drawbacks or what they call "teaser names" for a name. Gotta love these. Teasers for my name include Kevout, Seven, Kevie Wevie, Revvin' Kevin, Schmevin and Heavy Kevvy. This site is most enlightening. If you're a family member or friend, you can rest assured you will now never hear me call any of you Care Bear, Krusten, Droolia, Mattitude, Kyley Wyote or Philip the gas tank.

Preferences for naming babies vary from person to person. For every rule, there's a kindhearted soul out there whose name doesn't follow that rule. Before I step on too many more peoples' toes, let me just say that while I don't want my kid to have one of the top ten baby names, I've known some wonderful Emilies and Ashleys; there's a nice woman named Kevin who works at my voting poll; Bob Barker and Jeb Bush both could probably care less about the multiple bilabial plosives in their names; and though I've never met Orangello and Lorangelo, I'm sure they're great guys. As for teasing names, kids are going to tease regardless of someone's name. That being said, I'm giving MELTING AFRICAN'S mom fair warning. When I see her at the shower, I'm gonna shout Queenie, Queenie Caroline, Washed Her Hair in Turpentine. That one's just too good to pass up.