Gwinnett County aquatic center lap swim farce

Twice now my daughter in all her infinite cuteness and I were turned away from a Gwinnett County recreational swimming pool. Why? Not because she didn't have the proper attire Both times she had on her swim diaper and regulation plastic pants. It was because we showed up during the three-hour block they call "lap swim."

Do you know what lap swim is? You might think it is a time when nimble bodied triathletes can work on their breast stroke. That's what it sounds like anyway. At the very least you might think it was to provide those who enjoy swimming for exercise an opportunity to do so without having to worry about running into a pool noodle or cute toddler in swim diaper and regulation plastic pants. But "lap swim" is neither of those things.

Lap swim is a misnomer, a coverup for the real reason kids can't go into the pool during those hours. It's because a small group of portly geriatrics needs to work on their bobbing skills. In both cases when I was politely denied access to the big kids' pool because of "lap swim", I peered through plate glass at the Olympic sized pool only to find the token geezer along with some cream rinsed grandmas, all of whom were just bobbing up and down on tiptoe in the pool. There was no displacement involved either. They weren't going anywhere. Just standing in place. Bobbing.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not opposed to bobbing. I'm sure it can be a life-saving skill for the geriatric crowd. I've seen Cocoon. And Titanic. It's just that they call it lap swim and there's no swimming involved, much less in the form of laps. Instead of lap swim, they should call it "old bob" or something.

And furthermore, regardless of what they called it, why do those oldsters need the entire pool to themselves? Each time the number of people in the group wasn't even in the double digits. How much room do you need to practice your underwater toe touches?

And another thing: there is something amiss when my kid has to wear a swim diaper and plastic pants along with her bathing suit but an octogenarian can get away with only a speedo. That's just wrong for so many reasons.