My destiny just isn't meant to be

One of my earliest first grade memories was at the beginning of the school year when the teacher was telling us what we could and couldn't do in her class. Along with the regular classroom management rules was a non sequitur she threw in about not using the phrase "goody goody gumdrops."

This threw me for a loop because at six years of age, I had never heard the phrase before, and come to think of it, I can't recall anytime I've ever used it other than when relaying this same story. As a kid I thought it was odd that someone would ban you from using a phrase that wasn't profane, but as an adult I have a greater appreciation for this criterion. There are some phrases that just grate on my nerves any time I hear them.

Everything happens for a reason.

A friend of mine said this on the phone the other day. I usually don't write about friends, but she isn't going to read my blog anytime soon, so I'll just talk some smack. Whenever I hear someone say that everything happens for a reason, it's usually after they've done something stupid and therefore had to reap the results.

Yes, it is true that everything happens for a reason. That reason is because you or someone else made it happen. No magic here; usually just haphazard decision making.

If such 'n' such doesn't happen, then it just wasn't meant to be.

Again, when did we move the locus of control away from the individual and chalk up the future to some uncontrollable destiny simply to befall us?

When I was working as a real estate agent, I occasionally would hear this from buyers and sellers. Buyers would offer a lowball offer on a house and sellers would jack up their asking price ridiculously high. Each one would say something like, "Well, we're going to counter with this, and if they don't accept, then it just wasn't meant to be."

I'm not going to launch into a debate on pre-determinism versus free will here. I'm just going to tell you how it is according to me, which is really all you need concern yourself with. There is no "meant to be." You make it be.

It's a sign.

STOP is a sign. CAUTION WET FLOOR is a sign. Suddenly noticing the Baskin Robbins out your passenger-side window when you're hungry for an excuse to go back on your diet is not a sign. Identifying something as a sign is usually done by those who want to do something bad but feel as though they need permission to do it. When they can't get that from an individual, they look for the closest coincidence and deem it a sign.

I don't wanna jinx it.

This one bothers me largely because I find myself occasionally saying it. Not counting one's chickens before they hatch is understandable, but simply saying that the eggs are going to hatch does not decrease the likelihood that they will.

I'm just gonna put it in God's hands.

I am convinced that putting something in God's hands is a religiously acceptable way of saying give up. It's as though the person saying it is not only throwing in the towel but also attempting to take a preemptive strike against your calling them on it. After all, if they've handed their problem to a being who's all powerful, how can you argue with them? Why do some people blame God for their own misdeeds?

God has a plan for us;
It's all part of God's plan; and
God works in mysterious ways.

Employ one of these tautologies after a kid gets hit by a car and see what sort of reaction you get.

Consequently:

The Devil made me do it; and
He must have the Devil in him.

If ever there were a reason to do away with our justice system it would be because of the Devil, wouldn't it?

Git 'er done.

I know it's a little off the mark, but I actually heard a kid say this recently in the parking lot as he was about to put groceries in the trunk of his mom's car and I cringed. We should not still be saying this. Really, we never should have said this. Just because it's funny when Larry the Cable Guy says it doesn't mean it's funny when you say it -- much less for the umpteenth time.

I'm starting to sound like that first grade teacher. Out of curiosity I googled her name as well as looked in wikipedia to see if any entries came up about her. Nothing that I can find.

She was a mean bizzie if there ever was one. I distinctly remember her once making fun of a classmate's drawing and yelling at one girl because she couldn't yet count to one hundred.

Oh well.

I guess everything happens for a reason.