As Seen On TV Store covers all your needs

Isn't it a tad ironic that the types of must-have merchandise you see advertised on late-night television along with the disclaimer not sold in stores are now sold in a store called the As Seen on On TV Store? I stepped into this walk-in closet sized boutique today and spent a good ten minutes ogling the strange and unusual merchandise that was to be found here. Apparently that's all anyone does that comes here is ogle because most of the boxes, which are printed with the garish primary colors usually seen on children's toys and political campaign signs, are covered in an inch of retail dust. The kind emigre who greeted me at the door would have done well to take a feather duster or maybe even an industrial strength Shop-Vac to the whole place. But once you blew away the dust and cleared away the cobwebs from the shelves, oh what treasures did abound.

Some of the stuff was pretty tame like tool kits and lint rollers but other things were somehow odd or just plain disturbing. One item that for whatever reason bothered me most was the Play-Doh Fun Factory style butter dispenser. It works like a caulking gun but with butter. You unwrap a stick of butter, toss it in, and depress the lever in the back to "squeeze out a ribbon of butter." If you don't think ribbon of butter is a gross enough expression, you might be interested to know that with the butter dispenser you can turn an ordinary stick of butter into a ribbon that's over ten feet long. Can't you just see some lame-ass duck-walking backwards down the street while he's testing to see how far he can get his butter ribbon to go? Why risk losing your way home behind a half-eaten trail of bread crumbs when you can just take along a few boxes of Mazola and your trusty butter dispenser? And yes, it also works for margarine, cream cheese, peanut butter and cake frosting. I'd be tempted to try other things in it as well. Don't just toss an ugly ol' heaping tablespoon of shortening in that pan. Make a ribbon. You could add a touch of class to that cracker with a star-shaped dollop of either tapenade or deviled ham (depending on the width of your home, of course.) Just think of what fun you could have with moist cat food.

As I circled the store, my eyes glued to the strange titles of these items, I did see that there was an order to the store's layout. To the left as you enter there are some larger items which catch your eye and lure you in. Then it goes to household products like the all-in-one pasta pot that lets you both cook and drain the pasta without that hassle of changing bowls or the Salad Blaster Bowl which, with the magic of push-button technology, allows you to dispense dressing on your salad while it's still in an enclosed bowl. The back wall of the store has manlier playthings like the mega-sized tool kit and shake-powered flashlight. Then on the other wall are more personal items, which incidentally get increasingly personal as you approach the register.

Oddly enough just above the spray-on hair was the Dare To Bare Erotic Shaving Kit. And lest you think this one is just a sexually charged way to market an ordinary household razor and shaving cream, let me tell you: It also comes with the Dare to Bare DVD. Yes, you heard me right. A DVD! If you don't believe me, check it out on AsSeenOnTV.com where we're told "Whether your partner watches you shave or you choose to shave each other, it's a fun fantasy that is refreshingly clean and easy to try." Still not convinced? Order now and just let these five real couples show you how the art of sensual shaving can lead to wonderful erotic encounters. The store also contained a small selection of personal massagers, all of which you can find advertised on the site. Don't miss the 5X (yes, that's five exes!) FingerVibe Massager. Much like the butter dispenser, this massager too came with a few attachments justly named Bumper, Spiral and Tickler and Nubby Lover.

Parenthetically let me add that because my daughter is now six weeks old it means my wife has gotten the go ahead from her doctor to resume the evening antics. I may just have to head back to the As Seen On TV Store and bring home a few items. I wonder if I could use that butter dispenser to dispense the Better Sex Shaving Mousse.

Pictures to follow.