Cyber pilgrims seek fashion advice and enlightenment

Every blogger can tell you that one of the simple pleasures to be had when you have a site meter at the bottom of your blog is to click and see how various readers found you on search engines. Because of the way search engines work, a site that contains a lot of text, such as the one you see before you now, might come up as a result of searching on any number of word combinations. Obviously because of the name of my blog, people who search for COCKTAILS along with any other number of words often find their way here, probably to their dismay as I generally do not provide cocktails recipes on my blog. More often though, people come here because they googled something that I have written about only in passing. Again, they're probably a little disappointed because I do not proclaim to be an expert on any of those subjects either and information on those subjects is usually sparse. For that reason, I decided I'd tip my hat to those cyber pilgrims and offer up some 411 on topics about which, according to my site meter, they're hungering for more information.

HOW TO WEAR SWEATPANTS - Indeed someone googled this one in just the time I was typing the above paragraph. I get a lot of these sweatpant requests because I once wrote about running into an ex while I was wearing them. How does one wear sweatpants, you ask? You don't. Unless you're with a bunch of your girlfriends and you're doing each other's nails and throwing pillows and administering magazine quizzes to each other, sweatpants should not be the garment of choice.

SWEAT PANTS IN SPANISH - Chica, please! Putting on even your best pair of sweatpants is no way to become the rose in Spanish Harlem or anywhere else for that matter. No one lives la vida loca in sweats. If you've been invited to a Quinceanera party at least you will certainly not outshine the young debutante if you're sporting even your best polyester fleece blend. If on the other hand you're wondering how to say sweatpants in Spanish, I should hope the Spaniards or their Spanish speaking cousins south of the border don't have a word for them. Somehow I doubt these are all the rage in Barcelona, and I'm also guessing there were no sweatpants at the Alamo.

HOW TO WEAR SWEATPANTS - I know what you're thinking, gentle reader. You suspect these first three are also from the same person. Nope. While they all happened within the same ten-minute interval, one searcher was from Illinois, one from Washington, and one from Oregon. Sadly, there are just that many people out there who want permission to model the elastic waistband outside the privacy of their own home. Just not good.

HAVE A BLESSED DAY WHAT DOES THAT MEAN - I wondered the same thing when I posed the question here. That entry received a new response as recently as yesterday evening when someone chimed in with their own answer. Sadly they used that opportunity not so much as a way of offering up additional information but instead to spew some xenophobic pablum which consisted largely of ethnic slurring and touting their own false and greatly misguided sense of superiority. I found it good for a chuckle though, so don't be afraid to indulge your funny bone by reading the response of someone who likely attends worship service with David Duke and Dog the Bounty Hunter.


CHARTER SUCKS - Admittedly I have on a few occasions written about a company that has pissed me off hoping that other people looking for information on that company will google them, hear my tales of woe and take them into advisement before doing business with the company. Charter Communications is one of these companies. While I've written extensibly about it here, words cannot convey the frustration I repeatedly felt when dealing with Charter. Firing them and hiring AT&T was one of the best consumer decisions I ever made. Whenever I click on my site meter and see that someone found me by searching Charter sucks I do a little jig.


BURGER KING CZECH - To be perfectly honest, I don't know if His Royal Highness is Czechoslovakian or not. The thought never really occurred to me until now. I guess he could be. I was in Prague, they eat hamburgers there too. I regret I can't even pretend to speak with any authority on this matter. If you're wondering whether there are Burger Kings in the Czech Republic, yes, there are. As to what they call a Royale with Cheese, I don't know. I never ate at a Burger King there. Sadly, my wife did snap some pictures of me eating Kentucky Fried Chicken on the Prague subway. At least I didn't have sweatpants on.

WHAT TO WEAR WITH SWEATPANTS - Do you people not get it? A bag over your head. Even then the bag would be the better wardrobe choice.

TRICHOTILLOMANIA - I've actually mentioned this odd a few times on here. It's the desire to pull out one's own hair. I'm always impressed when the people spell it correctly. Good job! In the meantime, call 1-800-DON'T PULL.

POWERFUL COCKTAILS - Like I said, I don't know enough cocktail recipes, powerful or otherwise, to list them on this site. Though when I was an exchange student in France, a fellow Yank I had a crush on suggested we buy a bottle of champagne and head out to a park to imbibe. When that didn't give me the courage I needed, she and I went back to buy a bottle of rum and some Cokes and polish those off. This combination did in fact make me overly courageous, but it also rendered me overly nauseous. Even if you've got your hand up someone's shirt, coming to in a puddle of your own vomit with a semi-circle of gawking Frenchmen looking at you is not the ideal way to broaden your horizons. It was powerful though.

KEVIN - With as broad a search as this yielded and as common a name as Kevin is (34th most common first name in the U.S. according to howmanyofme.com) I was surprised to see my sight come up on page 5 of this AOL search. To whoever did the searching, you're going to have to come up with a little more information for the search engine to go on if you really want to find your one true Kevin. Is it Kevin Bacon, Kevin Costner, Kevin Kubusheskie, or Saint Kevin of Glendalough? So many Kevins.

"RUE MCLANAHAN" DADS - Again, not an expert on this golden girl but I suspect she only had one father. As to the television preview she starred in of the show Dads that never made it on the airwaves, just be glad you haven't seen it. I got a copy in the mail from a research company that wanted me to watch it and answer some questions about the commercials I saw. That show was just plain bad.

RESTAURANTS SERVING THANKSGIVING DINNER IN NORFOLK, VA - Yes, I'm pretty sure they are.

HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE THAT HAD KELOIDS - What do you want? A medal? I once had sex with someone who had dandruff. You don't see me telling everyone on the innerwebs.

FREE MY SOUL GONNA GET LOST IN YOUR ROCK AND ROLL - And drift away, my friend. Drift away.

Clearly though the one that takes the cake is this one:

MY WIFE TEASES MY BECAUSE SHE HAS MUCH MORE PUBIC HAIR THAN I DO.

I can't make this stuff up people.

Further amended as of 11/25/07:
WHO SINGS THE SONG WHERE HE IS DANCING AROUND THE PURPLE ELEPHANT
PHILADELPHIA DERMATOLOGISTS WHO TREAT GENITAL WARTS
ARE BABY WALKERS ILLEGAL IN THE USA
COLLEGE WEAR SWEATPANTS
VENERAL[sic] WARTS
DOES AMOXICILLIN CHANGE YOUR POOP
FLICKR PHOTOS TAGGED WITH ASS GIRLS KLM
WEARING SWEATPANTS THANKSGIVING
PRETEND AND PLAY DOCTOR EXAM ROOM
SALESGIRL PICKED OUT MY PANTIES
COLLEGE CHEERLEADERS PICS SHOWING PUBIC HAIR DURING ROUTINES