You know when you hear some cheezoid song on the radio and for hours you can't seem to get it out of your head? That's kinda like I am now only I'm not hearing a song. I'm hearing the voices of the characters in my kid's favorite toy. I'm talking about the Bright Starts Around We Go Activity Center. If you've never seen one of these things (and if you don't have children under the age of two I can't imagine why you would), it's a pretty jazzy toy.I guess you could say it's an activity table with a wheeled seat attached so the kid can scoot around...
Monday, 11 December 2006
Tuesday, 5 December 2006
Why after my daughter comes down with her first urinary tract infection can we no longer smell her dirty diapers? Granted, I've known my shit didn't stink for years now, but when you've got a baby in diapers, especially a girl, you kinda appreciate it when you can smell the need for a diaper change. Sadly however in her time of need, I am constantly being surprised by a seemingly wet diaper that upon further inspection calls for the institutional sized box of wipes.The funny thing is that until recently ever since we brought Meryl home from the...
Friday, 1 December 2006
Each time I take my baby to the doctor, a nurse runs through a slew of questions once we get into the examination room. I'm not talking about general run-of-the-mill questions an adult hears when going to the doctor like What hurts? or Would you please stop stealing our copies of Architectural Digest? These questions are more like an interrogation, the purpose of which, I fear, is to determine how my wife and I are doing as parents. If we answer enough questions correctly, our kid goes home with a sticker that says "Dr. So-and-So loves me"; if...
Wednesday, 29 November 2006
Every southerner is familiar with the phrase bless your heart. Traditionally we use it when some tragedy has befallen you and we feel sorry for you but at the same time we're glad we're not in your shoes. If for instance you tell someone who was raised south of the Mason-Dixon line about how you were buying groceries for your ailing grandmother that person might answer back bless your heart. Likewise if you go on to talk about how when you got to...
Monday, 27 November 2006
I love adventure. I used to make a weekend habit of charting unknown territories around me, often just getting in the car by myself and heading down a main road to see where it would lead. This was especially rewarding if doing so got me to some podunk town I had never heard of before. From my neck of the woods for instance a mere 20-mile ride will get you to either Struggleville, Rebelville, or Shakerag. Further out in one direction or the other will get you to Ball Ground, Whistleville, or Normaltown, the latter of which is referenced in the...
Thursday, 23 November 2006
I was well into my second glass of champagne this morning as my wife and I were watching the Umpteenth Annual Macy's Day Parade. Actually my wife was in the kitchen preparing my daughter's first Thanksgiving dinner (Similac with Iron and water) when the star of the parade flashed across the screen.It was Helen whose last name I don't recall even though it was announced just a commercial break ago, but apparently Helen's claim to fame is that she is over 100 years old."You just missed Helen!" I shouted into the kitchen."What?" my wife shouted back."Helen,"...
Monday, 20 November 2006
Has anyone else in the Atlanta area heard from this number? On my caller ID it shows up as FW Services, and whoever these people are they've called me on more than one occasion and left no message. What does the FW stand for in FW Services? Feral wombats? Fancy wolverines? Frank women? Funny wigs? Funky whigs? Fisting wankers? First Wesleyans? Fisting Wesleyans? Fanny Wigginbotham? Fine wines?If it's fine wines, tell them to call back. Ditto for Fanny Wigginbotham.Incidentally what do pyjama-clad pillow-wielding teenage girls do during...
I was pushing a cart through the grocery store this afternoon when it dawned on me that we use the same term for ice cream that we do for sex toys. Hanging over the last aisle of the grocery store is a placard that reads frozen novelties, and if you drive by any of the all-night porn emporiums across this great nation of ours you'll see that they sell adult movies and adult novelties. I only know from driving by of course.Novelty is such a versatile word.I think in the first instance the word denotes frozen treats that don't fall under the generic...
Sunday, 19 November 2006
For your reading enjoyment, here is a summary of epistles that I began over the past year yet never got the gumption to complete. They are preserved here in their original non-paragraphed stream-of-consciousness psychopathic format. 11/18/05I used to think travel wasn't travel uinless people spoke another language when you got off the plane. San Francisco changed my mind. It was the first US destination I visited that offered enough variety in people, places and culture that convinced me it was significantly foreign compared to my native Atlanta....
Wednesday, 8 November 2006
After only five minutes of over-the-shoulder television viewing this evening, I decided that any further time spent in front of the boob tube would be a total waste of my eyesight. Before I go any further, let me fill you, the beloved reader, in on some antiquated and useless backstory regarding my TV viewing habits as a youngster.Enter Captain Exposition.Until I was in my early twenties, I spent the largest portion of my day in front of the television. Indeed when I was a teenager during the summers, if I was awake at any time during a 24-hour...
Wednesday, 1 November 2006
When I began this blog a little over a year ago, one of the first things I chose to write about was something that irked me the most. I'm talking about our culture's unhealthy obsession with professing a favorite Nascar driver, political affiliation or noteworthy cause via our vehicles. Lurking at the base of this compulsion is an ever-growing social movement that I like to call the Awareness Cult. These ribbon followers top the charts, but there are several other people out there who think you should care as much about their cause as they do,...
Saturday, 28 October 2006
Have you seen that new section on Yahoo.com where people can post questions and anybody on the planet with an internet connection can then go and offer up answers? I'm quickly taking to this like a street whore to crack. I've heard some people cruise MySpace in a similiar fashion, but I never really got into that. YahooAnswers however is clearly da bomb.When you first click onto the site you're met with some meaningful and often interesting questions. Today for instance one of the first ones is how a guy can find out his genetic make-up if he's...
Thursday, 26 October 2006
I keep getting solicitations fom this local church inviting me to join them for some happening event they're sponsoring. Today's was a color flier advertising a revival with Pastor So & So and his family, all of whom are pictured on the color glossy in what I can only imagine is sadly their Sunday best. There are seven members all together, and while the boys look smashing enough in their basic blue button-ups and gold neckties, the two youngest girls look like they're modeling something their great-grandmother hand sewed for herself during...
Tuesday, 24 October 2006
Today I had to request that a college transcript go to a potential employer. While it ended up costing me $10 on a credit card which sucks, I was amazed at how easy it was to get the thing ordered. When I was a student at Georgia State University I found getting any one of those nitwits down there to take care of my administrative bidding was a horrid nightmare that usually resulted in things getting further screwed than they already were. I lived 45 minutes from college and on many occasions I would end up just driving down there to talk with...
Monday, 23 October 2006
Since my postings have become about as infrequent as comprehensible state of the union addresses, I've decided to try something new: timed writings. Well, not exactly timed writings as in I start writing and 30 minutes later a woman at the front of the room announces OK everybody pencils down. More like I've got about an hour between the time my kid goes down for a nap and the time she wakes up, so I'm gonna see if I can get something done online during that time besides making my internet Scrabble rating abysmally lower.My life has been outright...
Wednesday, 11 October 2006
I think these emailed newsletters have probably jumped the shark a couple of times, but I have one that comes to a tertiary email address that I check every once in a blue moon. The subscription is to LovingYou.com's romantic ideas newsletter where every so often (I think it's once a week) my inbox gets injected with the latest submission of romantic ideas.Most of these are quite sophomoric in my opinion and are just variations on the same few themes. There's the love coupons idea, ten reasons I love you idea, trail of secret notes throughout the...
Thursday, 21 September 2006
I love children. I really do. My favorite child of course is my own, but even being around other people's kids brings a certain degree of joy that nothing else can. My favorite part of teaching was making a room full of children laugh. Children really are wonderous things.That being said, don't put your toddler on the phone with me while you tend to some routine household chore. No really. Just say something's come up and that you'll call me back. Yes, even if it's just for a minute or so. I really don't want to listen to your child's barely intelligible...
Saturday, 16 September 2006
Many apologies for my sudden absence. I know I'm basically only addressing a few family members when I say that, but with my new position at work, I have absolutely no time on the bossman's nickel for creative writing. Can you imagine? Working? The whole time you're at work even?With the new part-time position comes the added responsibility of parenting my daughter during the day. And let me just tell you, she's another one that's quashed my efforts at casting out my demons via the keyboard. I had planned to use the time that I was home with...
Tuesday, 5 September 2006
This morning I was reading to my four-month-old daughter. With a children's librarian for a mom, Meryl has a slew of books and did have long before she was ever conceived (which by the way happened almost a year ago to the day -- just thought I'd let you know.) Actually it was my wife who had the books before but we'll tell Meryl we got them in preparation for her arrival. My wife and I were always fans of children's books long before we were considering parenthood so our collection is quite varied and includes small board books like Doggy Dog...
Thursday, 31 August 2006
You know those things that are on your to-do list that just never seem to get done? One of mine is responding to comments left on my blog. I thoroughly enjoy reading all of your comments. I really do, but I'm not good at quipping back. Originally I saw blogging not as a way to engage in conversation but simply to promote the International Society for Kevin Consciousness. I also wanted people to feel free to say whatever they wanted to say without...
Friday, 25 August 2006
Long overdue is this fourth installation of Welcome to My Stuff™. This one comes almost as a response to a dare in which I jovially mentioned that if I were not able to come up with any more stuff of mine to write on, I may have to resort to the sock drawer. Some fellow bloggers held me to it. Here goes.Obviously the six pair shown here don't constitute my entire sock collection. My other socks are hidden under that Tiffany blue bathing suit that...
Friday, 18 August 2006
. . . unlike this post.Since I accepted this call center job over a year ago I have acquired a knack for dealing quickly and efficiently with people over the phone. I have since accepted a position with another department in the company, one which sadly no longer entails dealing with bewildered chaps on the phone, but for the sake of my fellow compatriots and cube-mates I want to leave with a few hints and tips for efficiently but politely wrapping up a call. For those readers who are not my compatriots and cube-mates, I invite you to have a candid...
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